seasons

A little catch up has been a couple months in the making because stuff happened, I lost the motivation to write it all, but then as the summer has gone on, I've noticed a theme developing that I've decided to, finally, give a go at writing about. 

Summer unofficially started for us toward the end of May when we went out to Kansas City to see a dear friend of ours from the China days (and she still wants to be friends with us! go figure...) get married. Like a wedding we were in 2 summers ago, this was a Nanjing reunion. Then, just this past week I visited another Nanjing couple who got married 2 years ago and is spending part of their summer outside of China in her hometown. As I hugged her husband, who I hadn't seen in 2 years since their wedding, I told him, "It's like time just stands still and it hasn't been 2 years." Both of these events centered around seeing old friends, noting how though God may take us from one season into the next and some things change, there are some things that are constant, familiar, and make us feel secure.

Here's what I mean... and I'll start out by saying this: I am good at trying to hold on to things. This has manifested itself in many ways over the years, from being a pack rat to a fear that people don't like me for one reason or another to just absolutely breaking down over a lost friend to feeling paranoid when I lose touch with someone. Being a pastor's kid and someone who has lived abroad, you'd think that I wouldn't have issues with holding on, that I would be used to new circumstances, making new friends, and adjusting accordingly. I don't have a problem with that part of it. I really don't. I enjoy the idea of making friends, building a network of people (you should see the locations of my FB friends). It's the letting go and moving past the inevitable changes that life brings us that I have a problem with. It probably makes no sense, but it's the way it is.

Ten years ago in August (are you kidding me?!), I went to Spain for a semester. I had a life-changing experience there, met some wonderful people, and basically knew that God's calling on my life was to be a missionary/teacher in some capacity. The friends I made there, I tried to hang on to for dear life, but over time, some of those friendships have dwindled to basically nothing, or to casual contact on FB. And it's only recently that I've realized I'm okay with it and it's not the end of the world. It took me nearly 10 years to realize that. After coming back from Spain, 10 years ago this December (ah!), I graduated from college, and the same process has repeated itself over time. There are those I am still close with and others who have been reduced to "I had a class with her," a 'friending' on FB, or nothing at all. Then, nearly 9 years (also in August), I moved to China. Talk about another life-changing experience...for real. It was in Nanjing that I also met some wonderful people, got married, and knew for certain that I was called to be in TESOL. In addition, the friendships I made with people impacted me greatly. They made me a better person in so many ways, taught me things, pushed me, challenged and encouraged my faith, and many of them I not only still keep in contact with, but I've seen them move on to other countries, get married, and start on a new path post-China while others remain in Nanjing and we keep in touch through Facebook or email.

I'll be specific about Nanjing for a moment. Then there are those I wish I would have been able to keep in touch with and when I first started losing touch with them, I took it personally. I thought to myself 'maybe they don't like me?', 'did I do something wrong before I left Nanjing?', 'maybe I just bug them?', 'what happened?!'. And it's hard, because as the years pass, you wonder why God has taken those friendships away, especially when some of them shared in something in as special as your wedding day to, 5 years later, never be heard from again. Is this okay? I guess it has to be, and any movement on my part to rekindle that friendship is probably going to return void. 

I struggle with this. But I am reminded that seasons change. People come into your life for a time for a particular purpose, they fulfill that purpose, then they may leave. They may not leave and you may become lifelong friends. But it is not up to you to stress yourself out over these lost friendships. It is, however, up to you to realize what role each person played in your life, what you learned from them, and go forward into new stages and new friendships. Conversely, you need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt who God intends for you to invest in and go at it with your whole heart. 

This is a hard lesson for a 32 year old. A girlfriend of mine from college and I were discussing this the other day. When you leave college, it's hard to meet people and build lasting friendships. Yes, we have our church and we have our jobs, but developing those lasting friendships based on a history...that is hard to come by in your 30s. 

I'm guess I'm learning what it is to be an adult, and I'll tell ya, it's no fun.

K. Rambling done.