Last year I participated in the Experiment in Thankfulness and now, looking back, I realized I should have done it this year as well. I don't feel I did such a good job this year. Participating would have knowingly kept me from complaining so much. I was quick to thank God for the obvious great things that happened (Raul passing his CNA exam and a dear friend recovering so well from a serious surgery), but the little things slid by, and it's those little things that can lead to ungratefulness and even envy and bitterness. Guilty. So as we headed into December, the first and second Sundays of advent focusing on hope and peace, respectively...I hope in what I do not see ahead of me and ask for His peace to as we try to do better at listening to Him.
I look back at where God has provided in the past and place my hope in Him...holding (or least trying to) unswervingly to the hope I profess, as Hebrews 10:23 says, because He is faithful to do what He promises. This doesn't stop my questions, wondering why I still feel like we're a waiting room after 2 years of being in the states. Why we've had so many ups and downs. Why things don't work out the way you originally plan. Why why why.
A couple of times this week, I've just had to stop myself and have a little cry...just to let it out. And when I reflect on this past Sunday's message about peace, I wonder how much peace I really feel...even though I say that I have a lot. I need to do a better job of listening to Him, of being still before Him and honestly, earnestly seeking Him, and doing it together with my husband. Maybe things would be different? I'm not sure, but at least I would know that I was waiting a little bit better.
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